Goodbye and Hello

Okay, so tonight I swallowed the last pill of Effexor XR. Now, for those who don't know what it is for, I'm not ashamed to say: its for depression. Why am I celebrating taking the last pill? Well - truthfully, it isn't the pill that I'm celebrating - its what the pill helped me overcome six years ago and where I am today.

I graduated from college and walked into "the real world." I had been accepted into a highly competitive program at a world-famous hospital in Baltimore. I would be working in a specialized field teaching hospitalized children about illness and helping them develop positive coping strategies to use during painful procedures. There were seven other interns in the program with me, I was assigned to do my first rotation in the Pediatric ICU. To make a long story short, I couldn't handle dying children every day (multiple times a day). I internalized my feelings. I was the strong person, talking to the parents, siblings - giving them hope and advocating for the child's needs. I tried my best to keep it together while working, but fell apart each night when I got home. I didn't know a soul and lived in a terrible slum near the hospital. Worse, I had no car and no way to escape (driving always calms me). I resigned from my internship within a few weeks and bid farewell to a career that I thought I wanted. During this time my grandmother passed away and I was so depressed that I couldn't handle going to the funeral. I still regret that. I never got to say goodbye.

I moved home to STL and sought treatment for major depression. I became a guinea pig for different medications - some made me gain weight, some made me puke, some made me feel like a zombie all day long. After several months, I finally found a good doctor who listened to my frustrations and prescribed Effexor XR. I began to feel better. Far from feeling normal, but slowly began to get back into life. I faced my Baltimore failure in the face through some counseling and accepted that life was going in a different direction. I found a support group for depression. For one hour a week, I was with people that understood the world of black I was living in. It was in that group that I met one of my best friends. (thanks girl!)

Within a year, I was much, much better. The five years that have followed have been a struggle, but better and better each year. I've remained on Effexor since, gradually weaning down in the dosage. This is a powerful drug - it has taken a long time to this point. There are scores of complaints and even chat boards full of people who cannot get off of it. I've even been in the ER once when I missed a dose and got terrible withdrawl. My body has been "addicted" to this drug. Taking the final pill is a big deal to me.

Thanks to the friends who stayed by my side during the rough times. And to the friends that chose not to, I understand. Depression is something that I hope no one close to me ever has to go through.

So back to the blog title: Goodbye, and Hello.
Goodbye Effexor, Hello Life.